From the mind of my pal, Ben Coleman:
I doubt I’ll have a blog anytime soon, so feel free to print anything. I promise not to sue you, even if I get famous! For the rest of my life, even if I become a super huge media mogul, you have free reign of anything I write, say, or do without fear of litigation. The Ben is a good Ben.
I also have a review of the last two minutes of LOST, as follows:
I don’t watch LOST. There are a lot of reasons behind this—personal reasons—that anyone who knows me has already heard way too much about. But I don’t. Okay, I caught a bit here and there, and decided that it was pretty good. But other than the fact that the main character’s name is “Jack,” I know very little about the series. Last night I drank a lot at a new restaurant that I got a VIP invite from. This put me asleep with the book on my face around 8:30. The fiancé woke me up around 9:45 because she REALLY wanted to watch Invasion (I did not share her enthusiasm). Then, because she can’t be alone, I had to wander in to the living room and watch whatever was on tv, which happened to be Lost.
An aside: I’ve recently decided to watch Lost, but don’t want to come up in the middle, so I put it on the Netflix list. Go figure, there is a “VERY LONG WAIT” on Disk 1. I could get Disks 2 through 8 or whatever TODAY, but not 1. So I’m waiting. And I didn’t want to watch last night because I don’t want to get insight on anything that happened previous. And yet…
Okay, with two minutes left in the episode, I walk into a flashback, which I hear the show does a lot, of Jack doing something doctor-related with some woman. He has a wig on. It is not a good wig. It seems to me that, what with all the success of the series, they could have afforded a better wig. This is not a good omen for the next 1:50. Something happens in the flashback. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention. Then we come back to the present (I can tell because the wig is gone), and Jack has a gun (of course) and is pointing it at the Dad on some television series from the 80s. I think. I’ve definitely seen him somewhere before. He’s bald now, but I’m sure the people at Lost had a bad wig off camera for him, just in case. But wait, to add a little intrigue into this whole business, some other guy (conveniently behind a wall off screen) is ALSO pointing a gun at Baldy. Oooooooh! The suspense is driving me sane! Some words are exchanged. Maybe Jack is pointing his Doctor gun at the other guy. I can’t tell, because you never get a perspective of Jack pointing it anywhere but at the cameraman. Then—and I think this was the suspenseful part—SOME GUY walks around the corner and calls Jack “brother.” I personally took it to mean “brother” in the “crazy church person that lives on your street and stops by every Sunday to ‘talk’ and ask how your eternal soul is doing, all the time referring to you as ‘brother.’” I think Jack took it as “sprung from the same loins as you.” Which is weird. I’ve never called either of my brothers “Brother.” I’ve called them a lot of things, but never “Brother.” It reminds me of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, when Kevin Costner is grilling Christian Slater about why he hates him, and Slater says “Boo hoo, OUR father loved you more than me!” and for a few minutes you’re like “What? I must have heard that wrong. Not because it was such a startling plot revelation, but because the sentence was so baaaaad.” Anyway, the sentence that the stranger said (and the stranger coulda been played by Chris Elliot or Steven Webber from Wings) was that kind of bad. Really, it kind of disappointed me. Now, again, I’ll point out that I didn’t watch the rest of the show, or the preceding season, but I’d heard that all this creepy, obviously supernatural crap was going on, but it looked like some kind of conspiracy wet dream. I can just imagine the guy with forks in his ears so that the government can’t steal his brain leaping up and down on his couch going “I knew that there would be some kind of government base that was controlling everything! I knew it!” before going off to update his website on how the State Legislature of Indiana is trying to take over the schools using Bo Weevils. Jack is very shaken by this, which I’m sure we’ll find out about in the coming episodes. Then it ends.
Ben’s predictions for Season Two of Lost (based on the 2 minutes I saw last night).
-Jack will learn that guns hurt people, and will start an online petition to ban the use of guns by doctors in the operating room.
-Jack and the Stranger will learn that they are actually Sisters, and will start a new TV series with the lady from the cell phone commercials.
-Two words: LOVE TRIANGLE!
-Everyone learns that they are actually on a peninsula and not an island. Lots of people walk around shaking their heads going “How’d we miss that?” and “Wait, I thought YOU looked over there!”
-Bea Arthur joins the cast as Jack’s new love interest.
-Baldy sticks moss on his head and forces people to uncomfortably tell him that “it looks totally natural.” Everyone agrees that it is better than anything in the Lost stable of wigs.
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